When you spend enough time with the pensioner brigade, you start to see the world differently. When you spend enough time with the GERMAN pensioner brigade, you start to wonder if it was such a good idea to go off your meds.
They are a breed of their own. Crusty over-eighty year olds, that will not hesitate to tell you their opinion about everything from who you should marry to how often you should be turning your mattress.
At a recent gathering of the fossils, I had time to observe them in their natural habitat – that being – in the vicinity of vast quantities of cake and coffee. If you think you witnessed a feeding frenzy on your last African Safari – think again. It is open season, hesitate and there is a good chance you could lose a finger.
Where this manages to defy science, comes in the span of their waistlines. For some reason, this generation of Germans, appears to have the ability to consume vast amounts of triple-layer-double-cream, with no discernable side effects.
One of my favourites will turn 89 this year. Before I have stumbled out of bed and stared at my blurry self for 10 minutes – mainlined some triple espresso and plunged my head under a cold shower, she has managed to bike (yes I did say bike) her way to the local farmers market, return with a 10 kilo sack of potatoes draped across her handlebars, sweep the entire street (including the neighbours), wash the windows, mow the lawn … you get the idea (I had to pull the plug – this is the longest run on sentence in the history of blogging). When questioned on her obvious access to the fountain of youth, she quite simply replies with “Well, one must keep busy.”
Personally, I am beginning to wonder if all these old people are actually addicted to crack cocaine. What a perfect cover – their teeth can’t fall out – because they take them out each night and keep them in a glass beside the bed. If one of them should be caught scoring a hit (did that sound like I know what I am talking about? Because I have no clue) and they happen to get pulled up by the law – well, just launch into the “youth of today, has no respect” speech at the top of your voice and nobody will be the wiser.
Which brings me to a news article I read today —
The five German seniors said they were so incensed over the losses that American-born investment specialist James Amburn incurred that they hatched the plan to kidnap him in a bid to get their cash back.
And they weren’t kidding around – this guy ended up stuffed into a cardboard box, then transported in the back of an Audi to a holiday house by a lake. Where they kept him for four days – and each acted out their rage upon him. Not pretty.
Evil never wins… all five of them were caught – and today sentenced to as many as five years in gaol. A long time when you are already in your late 70s.
I rest my case. They are a scary breed all to themselves. Don’t cross them, ever.